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Beards have been a part of every society since the beginning of time. Beards carry strong cultural meaning and are typically sources of great power. Beards are cool. Beards give you an incredible swagger. Beards can be sexy, if grown properly. There are at least 15 different styles of beards (according to Wikipedia) with common characteristics, though you could always customize your own style. The 15 styles include the full, chinstrap, sideburns, Donegal, Garibaldi, Goatee, Junco, Hollywoodian, Reed, Royale, Stubble, Van Dyke, Verdi, Neck beard (Neard), Soul Patton, Mutton Chops, and Stashburns. For our purposes we’ll focus on the George Clooney, which I’m identifying as halfway between the stubble and the full. George Clooney has won People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award twice, so I think he’s qualified to represent a sexy beard. I have some personal interest in this blog post because I have recently begun growing my own beard. I’ll post pictures if I don’t turn into a yeti.
“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around
beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one.”
- Greek saying
According to Wikipedia, “In the course of history, men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition. In many cultures, beards are associated with nature and outdoorsmen.” Personally, I’m a big fan of all these descriptions. Beards have incredible breadth and flexibility. FYI, the study of beards is called pogonology.
Remember the episode of Family Guy when Peter grows a mustache? Peter claimed that he joined a special community, that his mustache consumed his entire personality, and that people with mustaches look out for each other. He was right on the money. However, beards by themselves are not sexy. If you are sexy without a beard, you are much more likely to grow a sexy beard. So, if you don’t currently consider yourself sexy, work on that first. Or, just grow a beard to cover up your face and create your own sexiness. Either way, just don’t blame me if your beard makes you look worse than where you are now. Beards are a source a pride and you should be prepared to get some attention. Maybe you’re growing a beard to boost your confidence. Maybe you’re growing one so that no one will notice you. Maybe you’re bored or simply too lazy to shave. Whatever your reasoning, if you decide to grow a beard at least be ready to make it as sexy as possible.
1. Plan the Beard in Advance
Before you begin your bearded adventure, get some advice from the bearded experts. This shouldn’t be too hard. Go to any public place and find a guy with a beard you really admire. Make sure it is well groomed or at least closely resembles the look you’re going for. Be careful not to stalk anyone in the process. Also, don’t worry about asking strangers questions about their facial hair. I’ve never met a guy who didn’t like to talk about himself. You will make the guy’s day by simply asking him how he managed to create such a stunning piece of artwork on his face. Once again, be careful how you phrase that question.
2. Share Your Plan with the World
Get on facebook, twitter, and put an ad in the newspaper. Let everyone know your plan to make magic with your hair follicles. People like to hear about others who are taking their life by the horns and kicking ass. Announcing that you are growing a beard should yield the same reaction as climbing a mountain, running a marathon, or taking off your training wheels. Alternatively, you could grow the beard while on an extended vacation and show it off when you get back. Your choice.
3. Start with a Clean Shave
To maximize the sexiness you’ll need even growth from beginning to end. Start the process by shaving every hair off your face completely. You’ll also want to get a haircut that same day to really have a clean starting block. Take pictures and celebrate. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today you have shaved for the last time. The sexy beard awaits you.
4. Buy a Beard Trimming Kit
Without the proper resources you may as well consider yourself Al Gore after the 2000 election. Sexy beards are intentional. In other words, George Clooney didn’t accidentally end up with a sexy beard, he made it happen. He took care of it and groomed it to perfection. Beard trimming kits are cheap. You can probably get one at Kmart for less than $15 bucks. I would recommend investing in a nicer one. Don’t let your finances, or lack thereof, stand in the way of your dreams.
5. Let it Grow
Don’t touch the trimming razor . . . yet. Beards grow faster in the summer and the overall speed is greatly affected by your genetics. This is the phase where others will begin to take notice. Enjoy the moment. This is where people you know will begin to question your sanity, compliment you on your awesome decision, and/or give you peculiar looks when you’re stroking your own face way too often. Try not to look in the mirror too often because you’re natural inclination will be to shave something, trim a stray hair, or get rid of it completely. Just let it grow.
6. Trim Conservatively
After a few days or even a couple of weeks of growth you may want to begin the trimming process. Depending on what style you chose in the beginning, now is the time to begin to cleaning up the mop on your face. Clean up the neck hair and begin to trim around the edges to give it shape. Do not shorten the hairs anywhere. Just clean up the edges, unless you’re going for the authentic George Clooney, then leave the neck hairs unscathed. After a few weeks or possibly a few months, depending on your preferred length and the speed your hair grows, you will need to bust out the trimming tools and make the hair length even across the the entire surface. This is when the beard finally takes shape and you can witness your masterpiece.
7. Show it Off
Ta-Da! Your sexy beard should be complete and it’s time to take pictures again. Don’t forget to share the pics on facebook, twitter, and annual holiday cards to the entire extended family. This is a moment of pride and joy, like a college graduation or a real bad-ass bar mitzvah. Never forget the moment you decided to grow the beard. You evolved that day and now you get to revel in your progress. Congratulations.
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The Clueless Graduate,
Jeff Sanders
Follow @JeffSandersTV
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This may be your best work yet Jeff, well done and good luck on the beard sir
I think if you decide to grow and beard and you “Tweet” about it, you should stop now. You don't deserve it. Beards are not meant to be “sexy” like a piece of lingerie, beards embody 100% total man power. Beards are meant to have ale and chicken grease dripped into them and left unwashed for days, if not weeks, on end.
If you've made a conscious decision to grow a beard, stop now. Beards should appear by happenstance after hygienic neglect. A 7 step guide to growing one is wholly antithetical to what a beard symbolizes.
However, there are some men who have beards for different reasons and may find your guide useful. They're called bears…and they're gay.
weir comment from an anti-beard person, i wonder what kind of trauma did u have in the past
Sexy is powerful. From a sex appeal perspective, beards are very powerful and inherently manly – whether they are clean or covered in chicken grease. It's unfortunate that you think unwashed, grease-lined beards are more appealing to women, because a well-groomed beard is incredibly more attractive to both men and women. If my sexy beard appeals to both genders, I must be doing something right. From my perspective, I choose sex appeal over meat-head. Sorry.
Any man that works in a professional environment, wants to look good, and keep a good woman should NOT follow your advice. Beards by “happenstance” should only happen it you are lost in the woods for days, camping, or a P.O.W. Any other situation calls for good hygiene.
And I think you might have some inner complexes that you should work on before you go spouting off at the mouth to people you know nothing about. Look up Metrosexual…go ahead, I will wait…
Wanting to look nice with a beard makes someone neither a bear or gay. Just a thought…
Dear Jeffreybear,
I think you're hairy and hot.
Love,
Andrea
While I don't agree with some of the language publius uses to establish his argument, I am on board with most of his reasoning.
Yes, beards happen while camping or during long fishing trips. I am privy to many people who find men engaging in traditionally masculine activities in which a beard occurs as a by-product quite sexy; they're called women.
As a man, I am more interested in appealing to that demographic of the female gender whose tastes have evolved past the Twilight series and Dierks Bentley. Those still mired in the fascination with those are what we refer to as girls. Maybe they are into boys that spend their entire night fancying themselves in a mirror, but I know my significant other wouldn't be very elated if I seemed more interested in myself than her.
I'm not condoning a complete lack of upkeep with one's facial hair, but it doesn't take a 7 step guide to know how to trim up some stray barbs. If one were to exercise an exorbitant amount of effort, like you seem to be suggesting, one ends up with something that looks like a chinstrap or a line beard. If a man were to follow your guide then any passerby could tell that you are trying way to hard to have a beard. Maybe some girls like that. And maybe those girls still can't understand why the OC got canceled. I guess the point I'm trying to make there is that they're the same girls.
Facial hair grows regardless of mission statement, business plan or “expert advice” from someone who already has a beard. The day a man needs a guide on how to allow his hair to grow is the day he no longer a man who can bait his own hook.
By no means are all those with unkempt beards meat-heads, as you retort. I know how to quilt, enjoy birdwatching and learned how to waltz with no fear of recourse concerning my masculinity. But I fear that if I dedicated the amount of time to my beard as you suggest then I would find it difficult to show my “bearded” face around either men or women.
In the words of Dallas Braden, you appear to be tasting yourself a little too long.
I always started my full beard while keeping my moustache. I did not have to shave until sophomore year in college. I grew my first beard in my junior year in college in a foreign study program in Europe. I then was required to shave my beard off or my parents would not pay my senior year college tuition. I was allowed to keep the moustache. I then grew the beard back at age 29 for the winter, keeping it for the winter and shaving it off in the spring always keeping the moustache. I did this for 10 years straight.
jeff,
i’ll start today what you said.thanx.
Inspiring read, and fun to boot.
You seem comfortable enough in your masculinity to have ignored the likes of “publius” and his ilk.
Nothing wrong with giving and getting friendly and funny grooming advice to and from other beard growers.
Chinstrap Beard Styles